when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Randomize
