I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
