I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
