Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
