question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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