From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I intend to get homeless drunk
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
third nipple confirmed
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
