maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
