I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Randomize
