Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
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