I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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