make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
