I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
