she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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