well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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