Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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