Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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