I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
