The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
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