I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
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