No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
