Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
