There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
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And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
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FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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