i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
