My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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