i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
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