Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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