Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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