college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
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