Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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