Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
