if i can run in heels then i can drive
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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