He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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