I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
whose ass print is on the piano?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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