please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
