Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
