I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
