Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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