I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
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She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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