Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
