There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
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