No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
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