the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I'm bleeding and have questions
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