drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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