census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
