either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
i am craving dick and cupcakes
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
