Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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