omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
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