Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
I looked at my own cervix.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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