He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
