I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Randomize
