I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize
