all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
