i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
