I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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