i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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