Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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